It’s been an emotional month.

First off, I lost my uncle to coronary heart disease. The angioplasty never happened. I couldn’t even say goodbye. Next, I fell out with one of my friends because I “take myself too seriously” – which, by the way, is not remotely true. I worried myself into a fever so many times, and now, twenty-four years old, I’ve got literal breathlessness and possible (major) heart problems.

Do I blame anyone for what happened to me? Not anymore.

I am the only one to blame. I’m the one who let other people walk all over me. I let them do their thing, I let them judge me, label me, while I took all of it. Lying down.

Nobody ever asked if I was okay.

Nobody cared to look at my side of the story.

Still they only ever wondered why I was so uptight, and why I wouldn’t act the way they wanted me to.

They never knew how many nights I stayed up, talking to the cats on my wall. Loneliness can be scary at times. I’ve learned to walk on eggshells. Treading carefully like a ballerina in a field filled with hidden landmines. Never knowing when one would go off. Causing accidents. Having a bit of me stripped away with each accident. Gone. I will never recover those lost pieces.

But loneliness, I won’t let you claim me.

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Bianca and Taffy. My wall-cats.

Love xx

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45 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud.

  1. Are you okay? (see, I asked 😉 ) Lil rant it is..so the url wasn’t actually deceiving 😀 And yes, loneliness? That’s rude to say to the great great listeners on ur wall (the cats). Stay great! Cheers

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So sorry about your uncle, my friend. That is awful.

    At 24, it’s so soon to be feeling crushed by the weight of so many things, my dear girl, way too soon to have it giving you heart troubles. So now I worry, too, take it to heart way the heck over here, think, what can I do to help?

    I can tell you your wall cats are cool cats, LR! You shouldn’t be lonely with rocking Taffy and Bianca ready to give you s smooch. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh fuck darling. I was exactly your age when my uncle died instantly, with no warning to a massive coronary. Myocardial Infarction… that is what it is medically referred to. He was alive and vibrant, newlywed 6 months prior and laid out on a mortician’s table within a hot second. We were all left reeling. He literally dropped dead in 3 minutes.. No time for professional intervention even to stand a chance.
    The bottom line is, I feel your sorrow. Do not let anyone get you down. Allow yourself the time to mourn. I was 24 when that happened, I am 36 now. My uncle was only 45. I still mourn him today. His photo sits atop my dresser. I still am shocked by the suddenness that his vitality was yanked away from him.
    I love you, and I understand.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love you back for taking time to read and understand what I’m going through:)

      My uncle had coronary heart disease and renal failure. And family issues. He left behind my 31 year old unmarried cousin, she’s single and I’m worried sick:(

      Liked by 1 person

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