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This is an open letter to my Mother.

Dear Mum,

I’m sorry I can’t make you happy. I’m sorry I’m not you. I did try, though. I tried to accept things the way they always would be – and failed. I’m sorry I make you sick. I wish you’d stop saying that though.

Next time you throw your favorite kitchen knife at me, or slap me in public and push me so I fall down, make sure you don’t miss your mark.

I’m almost twenty-four and I’m still bound by you. You make a scene when I leave. You’ve convinced me to believe that I’m sick and toxic and nobody would ever want me. Gee, thanks, Mum.

You’ve got me believing that I’m incapable of human interactions and of loving someone. And that nobody yould love me for me.ย You’ve scared the life out of me and cried so my friends would sympathize with you for having such a “shite daughter.” You’ve left me with nothing. Cut me open, all you’ll see is black.

You’ve scarred me for life.

To you, I’m just a business pawn. I’ll help with the hospital. Right? You can marry me off to someone to take over. Some retina-specialist. Talk about limited dating options. And what would my job be? Procreation. Taking the tradition further.

All the while, you keep saying, “You worthless slut, I wanted a son and I got stuck with you!”

But, honestly, why do you blame me, for being born? I never asked for this. It’s not my fault I’m not the son you wanted.

I wish you’d still tried, though. To love me, I mean. Pretended, maybe.

Do you remember ever taking me out for a movie? Holding my hand while I crossed the road? I still can’t cross the road. I hold on to people’s shirt-sleeves. Why? You weren’t there. Nobody was. I don’t remember where Dad was. Busy setting up the hospital, I guess. At least he didn’t cheat, lie or steal. That’s one good thing.

You’ve taken everything away from me, Mum. I’ll say this again. I have no good memories of my childhood, thanks to you. Just pain. Physical and verbal violence, that’s gotten more violent with each passing day.

It’s one thing to be a helicopter parents – I would even understand that – and it’s a completely different thing to be an abusive parent. I’m dying in your shadow, Mum.

And I still wish you’d be there for me. All I wanted, ever, was to be accepted. I gave up my dreams to keep yours alive. Don’t I get the slightest credibility, maybe? No. You won’t give me that even. In your so-called “elite society”, maybe this is how you raise your children – abuse them, compare them to others and belittle them to the point of chronic depression.

I need you to leave me alone, Mum. To let me breathe.

This is the last time I will ever talk about this. You haven’t been my friend for 24 years. Don’t try now.

Still your daughter,

Sooch.

This is a true story.

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91 thoughts on “Confessions Of A Rag Doll.

  1. I’m wondering how can someone be so cruel to their own child…. I never knew you were going through all this…. I feel pity for your mother because she might not have noticed this but I can conclude this from your write ups that you Ain’t that weak as you think you are…… Rather you own a beautiful soul soochi!! I can’t imagine how you had protected yourself and especially your inner self! Lemme remind you, no matter what but we love you here! And yeah just a request…… Attract positive stuff …… Stay positive soochi….. Trust me you are gonna attract million positive things! And yeah as you always say GIANT PANDA ๐Ÿผ Hugs for you.! *cuddle cuddle*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This was the last time. I’m done talking about things that hurt me. And thank you for being here. Sometimes parents don’t realise how much they’re pushing, till you break. I was broken, I’m healing. I will be okay. ๐Ÿ™‚

      *Giant panda hugs* right back!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Request you to relook, don’t be so harsh on yourself and your mother.
    Maybe circumstances have changed and molded her.
    Talk to her about this, ask her to read it or say these words to her and hold her to you.
    Maybe she would understand, she is a mother and a woman after all, just maybe
    Maybe she needs some comfort from you, hold her

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes am sure she does,
        You are her outlet to stop her from burying her feeling. You tend to open and share honest feelings with the ones who are the closest to you.
        Society scares you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. No I won’t click like or comment saying it is a wonderful article. To be true, I am lost for words. I don’t know what to say that will be consoling to you and I even know no matter what I say. I haven’t been in your shoes and I won’t be able to empathize fully. I can only promise, If you ever need an ear to listen or someone to support you. There are people here who will be there to love you always for who you are. Take heart dear. U r not alone. *hugs*

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I can understand that. It needs a lot of courage to post something like this and it would be perfectly okay, to pull it down too, when you wish to. As for now, you are not alone. You have us to burgess you and help you look ahead.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Jesus, I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Your mom sounds absolutely horrible, I’m so sorry. But you’re bigger than that and you shine without her help. So in the end, this comes back to her, not you. You, are free.

    Like

  5. Wow! never would have guessed you go through such sweetie. Reading your posts I always imagined you as a lively spoiled mischievous little Sooch.

    Just keep carving your own path dear. And when you make decisions, make them with this question in mind. 5/10/20 years from now, if I regret this decision will I look back and say “though I regret this, I still made this choice for me, not because my mom made me”. Many times parents are blinded by what they think is best for their kids when in actuality it is what they always wanted for themselves and they just put it on their kids. Forgetting that the kids need to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. I speak from experience too. Also some parents maltreat their kids because they see all their failures in those poor little souls.

    I won’t say you won’t be affected by your mom’s actions if you apply a specific teaching or way of life. Truth is, her actions are what has made you awesome. And you are awesome. If you don’t believe me, reread your funny posts ๐Ÿ™‚ Just keep being you and we will be here to remind you of how awesome you are.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey sweetheart! โค I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Life is really tough sometimes. Your post was really raw and real. I don't think any words I write to you will completely heal you from your pain. However, I hope you do find a way out of this someday and seek/find happiness. You deserve it! Xo- S
    Ps. Thanks for following my blog, it means a lot! โค

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you! And honestly, sometimes, it’s good to talk about things and get it out of your system. We all have problems in our lives, and I think if you let it out at times, things begin to feel a bit better. Keeping things buried inside you and burdening yourself with that load is what destroys you. If you ever need to talk, you can always message me! ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I am very sorry to read this post (may be because I never expected it although I recently became a follower to your very cool and funny blog) but I am not going to sympathize with you because you are one strong woman and you certainly don’t need any sympathy. I am happy you let it all out — that’s the first step of the process of healing.

    Much love,
    -Naima

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Sorry for you, LR, very much. This is so sad, for you and for your mother, for what you both have missed in life. There are people here for you, from around the whole world. I can’t say she’ll change. But I can hope. — DL

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Dear girl…

    You are already loved by many, right here. There will be many more who love you, in time, as you take control of your life….

    Since gender in humans is determined by the contribution to chromosomes of the male, it is the male parent is guilty, if anyone is to blame,

    More importantly, only a sick mind would think either gender is better/more important than the other, at all… It takes an even sicker mind to blame a child for one’s own dissatisfaction with their life….

    So, from merely a logical standpoint, without considering any feelings at all, she is, quite simply, ignorant and not worth paying any further attention…. I don’t care how educated she might be, medically. As a human being, with a spirit, she is completely ignorant… Completely.

    You, by what I have read here, are a wonderful person, if still a bit confused and finding your way; be encouraged in that, for she has not been able to touch your spirit…

    So, you’re right; you will heal…

    Saying all of that will help the process, as well… Now, make some hard decisions, to take over more of your own life….

    My suggestions couldn’t be of much value, as I’m male, and don’t know ALL your situation. But, I know you will grow faster, heal better, and learn to appreciate yourself more if you leave medicine, which you don’t seem to want to do, and do something else, until you can decide for yourself if that sort of field is the way you wish to grow and serve others, as well as yourself…. You’re obviously smart enough to do any number of things to support yourself; you don’t HAVE to be a caregiver, or ANYTHING SHE wants… you only have to please yourself.

    I’d also never see or speak to her again, unless she made some sort of 180 degree personality change, which isn’t likely, given her age, and obvious unwillingness to feel or think of others. If that means striking out on your own, well, it’s a big world, but, not any bigger than your spirit, and love of life…

    Sorry if I’ve sounded harsh at points; I could be harsher…. If I was within physical proximity of the woman, I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from chastising her, in whatever way it took to convince her of the error of her ways… She has NO idea of what a treasure she has rejected…

    “nuff said…. Again, sorry. Abuse of children, and/or women, pisses me off royally…

    Be strong, milady Soochie; you have all you need inside you….

    gigoid

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I certainly hope so…. and, you’re welcome… Given your history, having an older person be nice to you might be surprising, but, it is just the way it SHOULD be…. Besides, you’re young enough to be my daughter, so, I automatically treat you as such… You may rest assured, my daughters suffer from no abuse, from anyone…

        Take care, and grow well!…

        gigoid, the old and dubious…

        ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aw, shucks….

        No, not old, compared to a rock. But, I’ve been around the block more than just a couple times, so, I’ve learned to say what I mean… and, mean what I say…

        You are loved… Like Brother John Lennon said, that’s all you need…

        gigoid

        ๐Ÿ˜Ž

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow! It’s like you spoke my mind. I often feel the same thing, well, except I don’t think my mom is going to marry me off to anyone. But right down to the end, I’ve been through a lot of the things you wrote about but still, I’m here, almost twenty-four as well and still living with mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m sorry you had to go through this, even at 32 I still look to my mom for love and acceptance. I don’t think that ever ends. I hope someday things will change and that you and your mom can forge a better relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Suchie!I am not gonna like this post or shit like that.And I don’t claim to get what you have been through.My mumma is the polar opposite of this.This sounds shitty,I must say.The way your mother is,I mean.I know I don’t have any right to say that about her.But I am saying it,anyway.
    And I am only saying one thing.
    I love ya.
    I don’t say that often.I mean,the number of times I have said that on WP is…lemme see…yes,not even a handful.But I am saying that to you.And shove it under her nose if you ever feel like proving it to her that people do love you for you.I am not trying to insult her.I am just trying to help you realise your worth.You are worthy.You are loved.:*

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Wow, I don’t think I can say anything better or more comforting than the comments above!
    But I’ll still say one thing: You are a very strong and an extraordinary girl to go through all this and still be a good and a sensible human being. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Take care, love.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh! Well, thanks! I’m wearing a jumpsuit. (Which, according to you, suck bananas. :P)
        I however, like jumpsuits! They’re chic! ๐Ÿ˜€
        By the way, do you get my posts on the reader? Because I don’t get yours. :/

        Liked by 1 person

      1. i don’t wanna think it so .. lets chill … i just thought to tell u that someone is there doing such kinda things so i did .. now m ok i don’t care what he says or do.

        Like

  14. I read this over 10 times yet finding it hard to accpet. I got no words. Since 2 days I’m not coming up with anything worth writing. You gave me a ‘click.’ I got something for you and I’ll post it soon.
    Drake says- Take Care ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  15. Lemme just say one thing.. I โค๏ธ u..
    Respect for you sugar!!
    Look at the tonnes of love pouring out at you from all over d world.. You’ve conquered a lot sweetheart.. Once again I โค๏ธ u.. ( mean it big tym)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We all are sooch I ain’t a diamond if first water but I know what short comingsi faced I won’t allow my children *lol just a thought * ๐Ÿ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

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