At twenty-four, I’m probably too old to be fantasizing about stars and planetary movements.

But sometimes, I feel like a lonely star, know what I mean?

I’m surrounded by people, much like every star is surrounded by its fellows – yet I feel lonely, and I feel like I don’t fit in.

I have mood swings.

I’m scared I might be bipolar. I sweat a ton, like literal bullets pouring out of me. And I don’t eat salt. Maybe that has totally led to the depletion of lithium levels in my body and made me bipolar? I don’t know.

My mum is hypertensive, and bipolar and I’m scared I’m turning into her.

Sooch becomes Mum. Like Death Becomes Her.

I’ve tried to make my insecurities and my depression disappear. It works for a while, and returns with a bang. It hacks me apart. It chokes me. I can’t think. I have blackouts.

Just when I think that everything will be okay, that I will be normal and have a shot at happiness, things backfire. There’s only so much resistance I can put up, and I get sucked in.

I try to sound funny all the time. I make jokes. I have these bursts of bright, happy Soochness, before this turns into Soochpression.

“Funny how the stars always seem to shine, shine the brightest right before they die.”

I need you all to cheer me up please. I’m a giant baby today.

I love you all. You guys mean the world to me. I tell you everything and I come clean. And I really appreciate it that you don’t judge me or call me names.

I love You.

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93 thoughts on “That One Lonely Star.

  1. I would say get a bit religious…it helped me to get away from the materialistic desires long back and i am now happy with whatever i have. Though your situation is a bit different, you will most likely benefit from the same aspect.
    Also, try finding inspiration and motivation within yourself…may be do what makes you happy and become less dependent on others. It is a long process, but definitely helps.

    And, don’t think much about anything…nothing lasts forever πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I really think you are amazing, Sooch! I feel I am bipolar as well at times but I think mood swings are part of life. It’s always a roller coaster and we need to learn to ride it. I am not going to lecture you here (lol — not my department) but most likely, know you will be alright and will shine brighter than you ever have!

    You re-blogged a post of Paul where the ten year old Paul talks to his future and you can go back to your 10 year old self — I am sure you will see many positive changes since then and the future will only bring more awesomeness to your life. You might feel old but you are like fine wine — you get better with age.

    Much love,
    -Naima

    PS– Now let that Soochpression turn itself to happy Soochness. Smiles are your thing! :))

    Liked by 3 people

  3. no one can help you but only you … try to make your thoughts positive and just dont do and think about negativeness or that make you feel alone and useless and depressed … make some friends , best friends to share personal talks and feelings with , make an aim of life and at least take one step towards it …

    Liked by 3 people

  4. and mood swings are common to girls , i guess .. i comes with there birth , so nothing new in that take it easy .. just don’t fight with anyone in those swings as it will hurt you later with a regret … but yeah you can watch a movie or eat an ice cream or chocolate in swings … hahahahaha .. or date a ghost ….. kyo ?? hahahahahaaha

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You Rock! Your posts are always fun, well at least insightful. I read a quote recently, If you can’t handle my bad times you don’t deserve my good times. Well ok not so cheery. We’re here for you at both times. Shake it off and shake it up. Your bright fun posts have made me smile on many days. How about what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? -el-ef-rhi-no. …and that’s why you’ll never see me on a world comedy tour. Enjoy this day, there’ll never be another like it.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. You are never too old to be doing whatever! You do it no matter how old you are! Even when you are 100 years old , you do it!
    I go through days when I am like, ACK! I am just like my mother! Especially when I look in the mirror.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You have what sooch these backfires, sudden gloom and dooms are there every time. They will vanish if only we pay them no attention as they are attention seekers always enamored by us :p
    Just give a little shake to your head or maybe dance off to your fav sheela or muni song or maybe a dessert is in order you ll be fine trust me and listen to postive people in life and try to scoot away from the psychotics :p
    You ll do great let the day go on & on !!!
    I am here I l say and we are on the same page so smile babe

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hahha you cancerian seriously so this kleenex box would be attached to my nose as well πŸ˜€
    When is your bdate? ? Mine is in July! Yuck summers 😦

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I feel like this a lot. Probably too much. My mother tells me to smile anyway, which makes me want to vomit and cry. Moms are great at that. Hang in there. It gets better, then worse, then better again. All things you already know, I’m sure πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  10. awwwhh.. you beauty!!! I do undertand that you feel lonely, we all do sometimes love… But love,take this as recompense maybe… but your soochness and humour,brightens our days up. You may feel lonely, but remember YOU ARE A STAR… selflessly giving off that warmth to others,so that we could thrive.
    Open your eyes up love… You are the Sun…. Who is a star by the way :p People who are far away from you,can only fathom the stature your personality holds for people who are near you( both physically and emotionally).
    For people away from you, you can only be a twinkling dot,but for us.. You are that bigggg bright sun..
    love you Sunny Star
    xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hey sweetie I know how you feel. I used to be such a happy child then something happened which I can’t pinpoint yet and I got insecure and depressed in my early teens ( I suspect it was the death of my gramps. He made my childhood superfun not sure yet)

    Just when I thought I was getting out of it. I had another more devastating loss in the family which tore me apart. Since then I have been going through non-diagnosed bouts of depression and it’s hard bcos people don’t get it. They see your life and can’t understand why you have so many things and people around you but feel empty.

    The worst part is when people accuse you of ruining your life because you don’t live by their rules or you have to cut off people dear to your heart because they are hurting you most with their selfish misunderstanding and pigheadedness.

    *sorry I didn’t mean to rant and basically steal your shine*

    What I mean to say is…..take one day at a time and search for things that make you laugh. Not fake laugh but the kind of laughter that reaches your eyes. Also I resolved to learn one new thing everyday because I found out knowing something interesting always makes me feel better. And trying to recall happy times in my life. They make me cry but they also make me very happy.

    Here you go dear *hugs and a shoulder squeeze*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry about your Gramps. I know how that feels. I lost my Nana at in 2010, and there was nothing that would cheer me up for almost a year.

      And you can’t change people. They’ll always have something to complain about. Right? It’s so annoying! I understand what you mean. It’s hurtful when you’ve to cut off the people you love the most. So not cool.

      And girlfriend, you haven’t stolen my shine, hahaha.

      Love you!:)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww sorry about your nana too. Grandparents are the best. They are like fairy godparents in disguise.

        Don’t worry dear you will be fine. You’ve got buddies here and we are here for you

        Liked by 1 person

  12. “My mum is hypertensive, and bipolar and I’m scared I’m turning into her. ”
    This line describes my life right now, and it’s terrifying!
    ~
    Hope you’re doing better! People seem to have given you plenty of jokes and advice here so I’m not adding to that. I will leave one heart behind though ❀

    Liked by 1 person

      1. True. WordPress is possibly one of the best decisions I made! The blogging community is so wonderfully warm and caring! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Hey sooch.
    One of my friend was going through paranoia, everything seemed to scare her. Rest of the time she was normal, but when the paranoia would set in, she wasn’t able to control her negative chain of thoughts. So she started seeing the college counsellor. Not a psychiatrist, but a counsellor. And things got better for her.
    Why am I boring you with this?
    Because I think a counsellor might be a brilliant idea for you too.
    Have you thought about it?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know this might sound cheesy. I also know you might have gotten this many times. But you can count on me whenever you feel lonely. I’ll always be there. Through the thick and thin. πŸ™‚
        And trust me, I don’t say this to many people.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Hey,
    *hug chokes you*
    I’ts going to pass. Don’t worry that the happiness is not going to last. If that isn’t, then neither will the pessimistic bursts. You’re not turning into your mother. There are a million little things which make you who you are. Think about those.
    You’ve been through worse than this. This is nothing sooch. Pick your self up and dust yourself off. You know you can do this. Mind over matter.
    And, lastly Do you have a dog? If not, then consider adopting one. Overdose on a big fat cuddly bundle of unconditional love with an additional course of tail wagging. It’ll help you big time. It actually increases your oxytocin and serotonin levels.
    Just never forget that you’ll always have someone to fall back on. You maybe a lonely star, but you have millions of earthlings looking up at you, wondering how beautiful the sky is because of you. Lovers dreaming, kids joining you with the others to make ice-cream cone constellations, people writing poems, all looking up to that lonely star above. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Awwhh ^_^
        And you think you’re becoming some sort of evil spawn. You goof. You could never be like that. Maybe if you tried like really hard, or if someone hits you in the head. XD Even then, I don’t think so. Have you heard this verse,
        ‘Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins’
        You could be one of them πŸ™‚
        ( If you don’t like glitter then read it as chocolate sprinkles)

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Sometimes we take things too seriously, sometimes we keep trying to prove things which we are not. In midst of all this, we are scared to lose our treasured happiness which stops us from enjoying life the way it should have been.
    I think when you would be reading this, that mood of yours would have long departed, so i won’t be suggesting you any things which you could do. But i would surely say, try looking at life more freely, try clobbering those limits which we have set. Because not all the stars are in the sky, some are even on the ground we live. ” Taare Zameen par, Khushiyan dil mein, aur muskurahat sab me.”

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hey Sooch..In your last lines u have told that we mean a world to u…so cheer up hon and see how much the world cares for the bright star named Sooch..The number of feedbacks u are getting proves how much u are loved and cared for…so just turn your soochpression to the soochness at once!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Hey just letting you know I love you and your blog and there are times when I’ve wanted to be exactly like you because you are a great role model for people like me

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Omg how do people post pictures in the comments? I’m using my phone now and i don’t think it works. I have a ton of funny pictures.
    Anyway, Sooch! Depression is common for me too. But I dealt with it by burying myself in my work. I think the trick is to occupy yourself with good activities instead of bad ones like drinking smoking etc. (Btw am I replying too late? Hopefully you’ve climbed out of that dark ditch already? πŸ˜€ )

    Liked by 1 person

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