So you’ve been asked out on a date. What do you do? Apart from the freaking out, I mean. You start to sweat out of the top of your head, of course. Um, wait. That is a part of the freaking out thing, too.

Moving on.

Here’s an exclusively Soochified list of tips on how to really act on dates.

1. Now that you’ve actually been asked out, tell yourself this. Over and over again. Like a mantra. Till it sinks in. Right? Good.

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2. Drag a friend along, so she can totally act as catalyst of sorts. Make sure you have the guy come pick you up. And make sure the pick-up-spot is a tea shop. With weird names like Something-Anna’s tea shop. Also, make sure to make your friend sit in the middle, so she can break the ice for the both of you. You and your date, I mean.

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Your friend should be capable of doing this.

3. Once the ice has been broken, and your friend is practically squirming with awkwardness, leave the said tea shop with your date and start walking to a cosy spot. Elsewhere. Make sure you’re out in broad daylight because – a, you’d know if you were dating a vampire because he would totally sparkle in the sun and b, if he tries to hide you in his backpack, you’d have someone to call for help.

Meanwhile, distract him by doing this. Constantly.

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Hair flipping is sexy.

4. Hypnotize the bozo. If you like him, that is.

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Also pay compliments.

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Desperate measures, y'all.

5. In case you don’t, ask him crappy questions like:

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Thanks, Kim.

Also make comments like:

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6. If your date is acting crazy thanks to your erm, entertaining, antics, ask him if he’s going all hot and bothered – in a bad way.

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7. If he’s still being nice but you don’t want to kiss him, you can totally dodge his approach. Just do this:

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8. If all goes well, go out to dinner. Make sure YOU PICK THE PLACE. And just to be safe – keep 911 handy. And inform all your friends, so they’re just a SOS away. Look for exit ports.

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...like a place with a poolside restaurant. So that you can push your date into the water if things get cray.

Do not eat too much. You don’t wanna get gassy. And end up embarrassing yourself.

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9. Dress to kill.

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Yes. Try coloring your hair green and wear clothes that make people stare at you like you've lost it. Sure shot way of impressing your date.

WEAR GRANNY UNDERWEAR. When in doubt, that is.

10. Laugh at his jokes even if you don’t get them. If you like him, that is.

If you don’t, well…

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How awesome am I?

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Thank you. I love you right back. I hope I made you laugh so hard, your eyeballs popped out and landed on your pizza.

(Ew, gross.)

Totally random question, but does anyone else think Tove Lo is awesomesauce? I’m currently obsessed with Talking Body.

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76 thoughts on “How To Really Act On Dates.

  1. Ms. Sooch,

    SIGH…. I knew there was a reason I gave up dating in the 60’s (That’s the 1960’s, for you youngsters…). Too much stress for me…. Now, I just meet ladies at the gun shows I go to….

    ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Since I also haven’t watched ANY television since about 1995, I have to ask… does Kim Kardashian really look that dumb? Or, does she sound that way, too? Just wondered…. She looks as if she puts her makeup on with a trowel….

    Funny stuff; I can see why you get nervous….

    ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    gigioid

    Liked by 1 person

      1. SIGH… I was born in 1950, went to UC Berkeley in 1968, so, I got a good look at it… Believe me, it was crazy enough!

        Now, it’s still crazy, but, there are twice as many people in the world, so, it just keeps getting crazier, as a natural result of the massive overcrowding of our planet…. As a doctor, I’m sure you know what happens when you put too many animals in one cage, and let them breed without restrictions…. Chaos….

        Hmm… Re: Kim and her amazing butt, er, voice… Valley Girl? No thank you, please; I live in California, and hear way more of that than I want to… I’m glad I’ve never heard it; it would probably have sent me running off to the toilet to get rid of lunch….

        ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Have fun on your dates, anyway….

        gigoid

        Like

      2. Uh oh. Toilet to get rid of good lunch? So not good. I won’t ask you to listen to her voice. You’d get a coronary and your ears would bleed. It’s fun though, to include Kardashian references. Lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Aye; I wonder if she realizes her reputation is the exact opposite of what she believes it to be…. She believes people see her as glamorous and enviable, a celebrity, when in reality, she is more often held as an example of the ridiculous buffoonery of such slavish attention to the illusion of glamor, in short, a clown….

        Probably not, or she couldn’t keep doing it….

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You sure this post shouldn’t be named: “How To Act on a Date with a Potential Murderer”? haha just need to add in “bring an ice pick to break the ice, or your dates face if they are a murderer.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hilarious!

    Tove Lo is the shizzle! FO RIZZLE! If you like her, you prolly would like Banks too if you have heard her. Also check out Young Wonder. xoxoxoxox

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I listen to EVERYTHING!

        HAH you would have died if you coulda seen me on dates back in the day… men were terrified of me lol! ๐Ÿ˜‚

        Liked by 1 person

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