Disclaimer: This post is not intended to hurt anyone’s (read: miser’s) feelings. And no, no makeup companies, or e-commerce stores sponsor my kind of crappy-as-eff posts.
First things first:
1. You don’t want to give someone tons of bubble wrap and expect them to be happy about it. It’s your person’s birthday, a card should suffice. Even funny cards that talk about farts, poop and hurl will do. I’m not kidding. My best friend gave me the fart card, right here.
2. This is the MOST IMPORTANT THING. EVER.
If your subject likes makeup, go ahead and buy some. If they like stationery, go buy personalized stationery. If they like kitsch, buy quirky phone cases. Teapots. Coffee mugs. Et cetera. There are tons of websites (for Indian public we have chumbak.com, flipkart.com, jabong.com – you get the drift). Refrain from gifting them food enriched with vitamins. SUBJECTS OFTEN LEAVE HINTS. Make sure you TAKE THEM.
3. Apparently this is a thing:
But most people think that it’s the receiving that’s true happiness. I think it’s “ugh”. Half the time people pull a total Sheldon and end up buying things for themselves and giving the subject a rice krispie packet. *Clap clap*. Don’t do this. Don’t gift anyone anything, if you’re gonna act like you’ve got dung under your nose when you hand it over to them.
4. Homemade gifts be sexy, y’all.
5. Ooh. Remember to do this:
6. ..and finally, nudge them in the right direction.My cousin once sent me one of her holey LBDs for my birthday, I sent her a Selfridges dress. Yep. The next birthday, I kid you not, I got a few MAC lipcticks.
And you’re sorted!
Now. I know when someone sends over a package for your birthday – and you open it up, all excited, and find tons of bubble wrap and other stuff you instantly hate, thank your stars. Why? The person who sent over the package, thoughtfully, isn’t there to see your expression!
I got a package I didn’t like and I – well, this…
Here are a few tips to sort out your mess when you’re the unfortunate recipient of wonderful gifts:
1. Think like Sheldon. And find the best gift out there. Invest. Ponder. And make sure you’ve beat them at the Gift Game. Pat yourself on the back and go, “Bazinga! B*tch, I win!”
2. Please resist the urge to disinfect them – no, their brains are not getting eaten by maggots.
3. Thank them. Even though you want to kill them. Take a picture of all the stuff that came in the package, so as to not hurt their feelings.
Do you have more tips, serious ones that aren’t half as sarcastic as mine?
And GUESS WHAT?! This is my 100th post!!! Hug me, hug me!