People tell me I’m strong. That’s a load of codswallop dumplings floating in bullcrap gravy, if you ask me. I’m not strong. I’m a weak wimpy wimp. I’m terrified of confrontations. Hence my pretend strong and silent exterior.
I am anything but silent. Miles from it. As if you didn’t know.
I’ll tell you ten tale-tell signs. People miss that. So yeah, THAT’S today’s BIG SEXY ARSE BLOG POST – HOW TO TELL APART THE NOT-OKAY-SOOCH FROM THE OKAY-SOOCH. Even though nobody really needs to read this moronicness. I’ve basically lost my funny bone and this was what I could come up with.
1. It’s been TEN WHOLE DAYS since I’ve eaten ice cream. And I basically eat ice cream for breakfast. Which is saying something.
2. I reply in monosyllables to every text message I get.
3. I have an actual playlist called Not-Okay-Sooch, comprising eighteen sad/depressing songs, which I listen to on repeat. I obviously HAD to prove my point:
Thank you, Fall out boy, Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, Mayday Parade. Basically, thank God for music. (I was gonna have epic typo right here – my phone auto-corrected “music” to “mucus”. Ew.)
4. I go on a broll. Blog roll. Constant posting. And I cling to my blog space like an emotional lifeboat. How pathetic can anyone get?
5. I wander into tattoo parlors, momentarily having forgotten about my phobia of needles – and chicken out at the last minute.
6. Then there’s the constant fighting with the MOMSTER. Ugh, ugh. I’ve complained enough, I know, I sound whiney, I know, but I can’t help it.
7. I get dolled up – and stay in and read Gone With the Wind. *sigh*
8. I stay up like a demented owl. I’ve done this for two weeks in a row – no sleep at all.
9. I depress everyone around me. This is the point where y’all unfollow my blog.
10. I obsessively buy shoes. I’ve bought seven pairs this past week. Gulp.
Are you still with me? *emotional sobbing gradually graduating to full-on bawling*
At a scale of one to Kardashian, I’m at Kardashian level of self-obsession. This is new. And weird. And nuttier than crunchy peanut butter. OMG. Reminds me. Be right back. Gotta fix myself a sandwich.