snark·y

  (snär′kē)

adj. snark·i·ersnark·i·est Slang

1. Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide.

2. Irritable or short-tempered; irascible.

– from http://www.thefreedictionary.com

I get tons of (I’ll refer to them as) “compliments” on my sarcastic and b*tchy attitude. I’ve been called super snarky on a gazillion occasions. And truth be told, I like being snarky. 

It’s self-defence, y’all. Picture this:

image
Would you attack - or pick a fight with - this?

I felt an absolute, urgent need to talk about it. Bigger urgency than a ginormous loomergency. I’m totally serious. Because, compliments like that make me feel like I need to explain myself. Like a compulsion or something. I’m sure this is abnormal – but then there’s nothing normal or textbook nice about me. So yes, I’m snarky. Deal with it.

I’ve mentioned – way too many times – that I hate cousins. With cousins, comes baggage. Not pretty and chic Burberry baggage, y’all. I’m talking people, my cousins’ significant others who they’ve been dating for, like, two seconds. I have this one particular cousin, who I used to be best friends with, until he started dating this overly airbrushed chick he met on Facebook. (Like Facebook hasn’t ruined enough already.)

Now, I’ve got no problems with people dating whoever the badooshes they want. Everyone is entitled to their own take on romance and the shenanigans that come with that kind of crap. I am not judging. Just so we are clear.

But then, this genius cousin of mine had to go and make me talk to his brand-spanking-new squeeze and all possible Hell broke loose. This is how some of the conversation (on a conference call) went:

Cousin: Sooch, you’re on conference call. With you know *insert sickeningly rubbish pet names here* and please, behave.

Me: Duh. Okay.

The squeeze comes online.

All three of us, excited squealing: OMG Hey!

Please bear in mind that my cousin is twenty seven and he effing squealed.

Exchange of pleasantries.

Stupid lovey banter. Me, feeling like a eavesdropping freak/voyeur.

And then out of the blue:

Squeeze: Can you hang up? I need to talk to my husband, alone. You’re eavesdropping.

Silence from my cousin’s end.

The squeeze continues.

Squeeze: Don’t mind but I think you wear too much makeup. Kinda makes you look like a drag queen. Your bro showed me pictures. You might wanna bulk-purchase makeup remover.

Holy Crap. Me, stunned into total silence. Then:

Me: Ooh. Weird coming from a girl who goes to sleep with ten pounds of makeup on! Also, what’s with the “husband”? You guys have only JUST MET. Like, two seconds back.

Click.

Now, my cousin is mad at me. I’ve been ordered to apologize. Balls. I’ll do it when Hell freezes over. Drag queen?! Seriously? And before you lunge at me – I absolutely have NO problem with people who like to cross-dress. I ADORE Conchita Wurst. She’s freaking amazeballs!

image
Just LOOK at her! That dress. The hair. Drooool.

Anyway, so I’m now working on an apology:

image
...like this.

And all the while she’s probably like:

image

But someday…

image
Would be awesome if she got served.

Even though I’m not a vengeful person. But she pushed my effing buttons! Did I mention, I FRIGGING HATE COUSINS?! But some good came out of that. I love snarkiness. Period.

Wear it like armor, y’all. It’s a life-saver.

Embrace the snark.

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47 thoughts on “A Lesson On Snarkiness

  1. Yeah! She totally had that coming!
    You go, girl!
    TeamSooch all the waaayyy…!
    .
    Ahem…excuse my enthusiasm

    loomergency and amazeballs? I see the vocab continues to grow

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wait, she insults you, you retort and… YOU have to apoligise? Can’t you just, I don’t know.. sprinkle her with some holy water? See if it burns her. I bet it does. That she-devil.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. Wear whatever you like. Madonna it 24/7 if it so pleases you. I think we have the same taste in cousins. I would write a rant about her, but her awfulness is a bottomless pit. No… let me write one. She talked to a friend on the phone in front of me about my “stripper boots” and mini dresses but in fact was cheating on her husband. In other words, I was dressed like a tart and that’s bad but it was fine for her to behave like one. x

    Liked by 3 people

  4. apologize? wait for what again? Now get it when you say you hate your cousins and why would you accept a conference call anyway….you can always mute the squeeze

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cousins. Ugh. They’re, like, biologicallly programmed to annoy the eff out of you! Don’t even get me started. This one time, my cousin screamed at me at a wedding for wearing heels because it made me look taller than her! Jealous much? WTAF?! Screw them all soo :* Go TeamCousinHatingSnarkies all the way!

    And also, I’m renaming our movie, to ‘Sooch wears Prada, but snarkily’ 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ve come up with some apology-starters for you, LR, just for your cousin’s special trollop:

    I’m sorry that my cousin forgot to tell me that he married the Wicked Witch of Bengal.

    I’m sorry that your mother dropped you on your head so much during your first year.

    I’m sorry that you were out in the hall getting snogged during Manners 101.

    I’m sorry my cousin forget to tell you that he lost his balls. Yup. No more cuddle cricket for him.

    That ought to get you off on the right foot with them both. Damn, they deserve it, LR!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. She insults you and you have to apologize? What’s this world come to?

    I swear there’s something about your language, the way you write and the way your personality is that I’m so jealous of! Good type of jealousy not the bad type!

    I’ve suited up with snark. It helps. A lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. LMFAO! I can SO SO SO relate to this post. Girl we could be snarky soul sisters. I’d never take this as an insult. On the contrary, it’s a gift. A talent. It’s only fair we embrace the shit out of it! Love this!

    Liked by 1 person

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