I am what my Mum calls a “pathological liar”. I mostly white-lie, and I get caught. How ironic. Which means that technically, I’m the worst liar in the history of worst liars.
When I lie, I stammer. That’s how Mum has been catching me in the act all along. I didn’t know, not until I overhead her tell my Dad about it.
Now, we all need to white-lie at certain times, to save out butts. People who claim not to have ever lied don’t exist. The last of their kind died with Mother Freaking Teresa. Don’t get me wrong, I admire her, I do, but I can’t be her, know what I mean?
The truth about lying is that it happens to be an art. And there are two simple rules.
You need tons of grey matter- functional, juicy, brimming with ideas grey matter. That’s rule number one. Keep the cogs in your brain well-oiled and working.
You need to come up with one believable lie, and create a minimum of five supplementary stories, to go along with it. Your rule number two – be a talented storyteller. Your story needs to be smoother than butter, it needs to be devourable. It needs to be foolproof and you’ve to practise a lot so you don’t give yourself away when you’re doing some storytelling. This is that ONE RULE that my very non-pathological-liar friend Ananda swears by.
You don’t want to get caught lying. You have to keep your plan air, water, soil, food, people, basically environment, tight. No fidgeting. No yapping beyond necessary. No tapping knees. NO STAMMERING.
Here’s an example of the perfect lie:
You need to pull, push, stretch, squeeze, mould et cetera around that white lie you began with. Just like dough. And you’re good to go. (This is also my quote of the day for today, in response to the Post a Quote aDay Challenge, which Kait King – https://kaitkingthewriter.wordpress.com – nominated me for. I’d done day one and forgotten about day two. Gah.)
Remember, white lies are mutant versions of the truth.
Happy saving your butts!
I do not encourage lying that involves murder, felony and gluttony. Unless those lies happen to involve the Chief Minsiter of Bengal – in which case, you’re more than welcome.