Monkeys have something against me. They’re always going at me. If you put me in an enclosure with a monkey, ten clowns, a fat bearded lady from the circus, six rabbits and a hamster called Sparkles, the monkey would inevitably go for me.

Don't let this face fool ya...

Not that I want The Monkey to be the President of the Sooch Fan Club – yes, I have a fan club and it comprises one very uninterested Lhasa Apso and maybe three people – but still.

It seems like I’ve always had some history with these guys. I’m talking negative history. Bad blood. The first incident I can remember? Nine year old me at the Ajanta Caves on a family vacay. It was super hot and I wanted ice cream so my Dad got me some. And then suddenly, this monkey came right up to me and snatched the cone from me, y’all! I’m not lying. I didn’t even get to take one bite. This is crazy. I’ve been bullied by a monkey. I just about had a coronary, of course. I screamed and hid behind Dad, human-shield-ing the poor guy. And everyone laughed at me.

...when he's all like...

People are so unsympathetic.

The other thing I remember happened to me when I lived at the hostel. Neither of us had any idea about the fact that there were monkeys in such a Godforsaken hole of a place. And SO we didn’t even give a second thought to that window we left open. Locked the door and left for college. Super normal day.

When we got back, I can’t even begin to explain. Books on the floor with pages ripped out. Food everywhere. (We used to keep cans of food and chips and we had a tiny fridge filled with candy and stuff). That wasn’t even the worst part. THERE WERE THREE FAT MONKEYS,  SITTING ON MY BED, EATING CANDY. I think my roommate screamed loud enough to wake bats in the stratosphere. As for me, I was frozen with shock. 
That was also the year they put bars and mesh on our windows. So basically, thanks to monkeys, we spent our dorm years feeling like prisoners.

You’d think it would stop there.


A couple days back, one of them chased me while I was out on my morning run. My phone case happened to attract the hobo’s attention because it was bright red and sparkly. Or maybe he just wanted my number. It’s so depressing, knowing that the only man I’d ever get would be an alpha monkey. But hey, at least he’s an alpha.


37 thoughts on “Monkey Business

  1. Good one, young paduan! I chuckled the whole way through…. One suggestion; try showing them some respect; they ARE our ancestors, you know, and, like us, will generally respond to kindness. Of course, they also have some other human traits, such as you describe; they can be thieves and assholes at the drop of a banana… But, then, they live around people, don’t they?….

    LOL! I’m glad we don’t have them here in the US in the wild; it’s enough of a circus here without barrels of monkeys to throw into the mix….

    gigoid, the dubious


    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah, little one: those faces, to them, are handsome and respectful. All animals show their emotions differently; cats bite you when they are being affectionate. One must observe the monkeys long enough to learn THEIR methods of giving respect to each other. When you look directly at almost any animal, it is, to them, a sign of aggression, so, one shouldn’t look directly into their eyes at first. Watch their hands and chest, because then you’ll know if they reach toward you, without frightening them with a sign of aggression….

        Understanding comes hard sometimes, when dealing with creatures with whom we do not easily relate. Monkeys are so much like people, people expect them to act human.

        They are not; they are wild animals, who need to be understood before approaching at all… for their safety, and yours…. I know they’re ubiquitous in your country, and enjoy many indulgences, but, still, treat them like people, and they will always hate you, or, at least, mistrust you….

        I’ve had many animal companions, not pets. Pets are for slave owners. I live with cats, dogs, and other creatures who wish to live with humans. Wild animals should be left alone in the wild….

        In any case, simians ARE an endless source of amusing antics, whether wild or domesticated. Too many brain cells; like with us humans, it really isn’t much help in life being so smart…. As Arthur C. Clarke said, “Intelligence has shown no particular survival value.”

        Your friend

        gigoid, the dubious



      2. That’s the trouble with autopilot; it shuts off the brain. Train it, it will work better. It’s the same principle as when one learns to drive a car; you should learn to use a stick shift first, before driving an automatic… Same with the brain; learn first, autopilot later….


        But, you knew that….



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