Monkeys have something against me. They’re always going at me. If you put me in an enclosure with a monkey, ten clowns, a fat bearded lady from the circus, six rabbits and a hamster called Sparkles, the monkey would inevitably go for me.
Not that I want The Monkey to be the President of the Sooch Fan Club – yes, I have a fan club and it comprises one very uninterested Lhasa Apso and maybe three people – but still.
It seems like I’ve always had some history with these guys. I’m talking negative history. Bad blood. The first incident I can remember? Nine year old me at the Ajanta Caves on a family vacay. It was super hot and I wanted ice cream so my Dad got me some. And then suddenly, this monkey came right up to me and snatched the cone from me, y’all! I’m not lying. I didn’t even get to take one bite. This is crazy. I’ve been bullied by a monkey. I just about had a coronary, of course. I screamed and hid behind Dad, human-shield-ing the poor guy. And everyone laughed at me.
People are so unsympathetic.
The other thing I remember happened to me when I lived at the hostel. Neither of us had any idea about the fact that there were monkeys in such a Godforsaken hole of a place. And SO we didn’t even give a second thought to that window we left open. Locked the door and left for college. Super normal day.
When we got back, I can’t even begin to explain. Books on the floor with pages ripped out. Food everywhere. (We used to keep cans of food and chips and we had a tiny fridge filled with candy and stuff). That wasn’t even the worst part. THERE WERE THREE FAT MONKEYS, SITTING ON MY BED, EATING CANDY. I think my roommate screamed loud enough to wake bats in the stratosphere. As for me, I was frozen with shock.
That was also the year they put bars and mesh on our windows. So basically, thanks to monkeys, we spent our dorm years feeling like prisoners.
You’d think it would stop there.
A couple days back, one of them chased me while I was out on my morning run. My phone case happened to attract the hobo’s attention because it was bright red and sparkly. Or maybe he just wanted my number. It’s so depressing, knowing that the only man I’d ever get would be an alpha monkey. But hey, at least he’s an alpha.