Oh boy. You know when you’re used to someone making jokes about boys and birds and bees and they turn into someone with zero sense of humor overnight? 

That’s what’s happened to my dear old aunt. 

She used to make sex jokes. And now, she’s singing temple songs. Oh god. She and a few others. In a temple. In the own house. And those songs are freaking screechy, and they’re giving me aneurysm. Not hating on God, and songs, but they need to use auto-tune. Know what I’m saying? 

I had my 2 Truths, 1 Lie post up a while back, and I need to publish the correct answers, so here goes. The false statement will be in italics. 

ONE. 

A. I hate stuffed animals.

B. I don’t eat meat. 

Does chicken count? I don’t know. But I’ve never had steak, or pork. Or any mammals. 

C. I’m lactose intolerant. 

Yep. And I insist on vegging out on pizza still. 

TWO.

A. I’ve never played a sport in my life. 

I played keeper on the soccer team. I was awful. 

B. I’ve had three orange pet cats.

C. I once ran away at age 3, to buy candy, while on vacation with the family. 

Yes. In a cat paw printed pair of undies. 

THREE

1. Once I got chased by a dog while on my morning run. 

True. I wasn’t carrying biscuits and I was scared af. I thought she was gonna bite me. 

2. I walked into a stop sign while texting a boyfriend, and ended up with a giant bruise on my forehead. 

Ouch. 

3. A monkey stole my glasses, age 10, again on vacation. 

FOUR.

1. I have trust issues, which is why I haven’t dated a person in the flesh, since 2010. 

2. I’m a terrible driver and I can’t ride bikes. 

Ran into a tree and the only time I rode my bike successfully was when I was going downhill and had Dad holding on to the back of my bike. Age seven. 

3. My car is green like a toxic frog. 

Yes I drive a Green Chevrolet. 

FIVE

1. I love donuts with filling in the center. 

Specially custard!

2. I won no prizes while in school because I was supremely untalented.

I did win, but in college. Not school. 

3. I’m not a people person.

Are you kidding me?

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7 thoughts on “The Time My Aunt Caught Religion

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