Today’s been the cherry on top of a fantastic month. Wow. I believe I had a near-death experience. As per my usual blunt style, I’m gonna just tell y’all what did happen. 

So I woke up at my usual time, maybe earlier. Put on my glasses and turned on the lights. Couldn’t see anything. At first, I thought it was a power cut or something. But I could hear my fan going. So I thought maybe my lights weren’t working. Reached for my phone and still couldn’t see a thing. Now, I’ve had blackouts before but nothing quite as bad. This was full-tilt utter blindness. At this point I think I felt really nauseous and passed out. 

When I came to, thankfully my eyes were working again. I was lying in a pool of sweat. When I tried to get out of bed, nausea hit me again, pretty much like a speeding train. I live on my own, and the first thought that crossed my mind was, “Who’s gonna make my funeral arrangements, because I don’t want to die forgotten?” So I calmed myself down, and tried reaching out to my parents. And couldn’t get through. Ah, lovely. 

I believe I’m dying. I’m not kidding, because my health has been failing for quite some time now. I don’t talk to anyone about it. But this bottling up of things is making me rantier than my usual ranty self. I’ve been snapping at people unnecessarily. Been spending too much, going into debts because YOLO. And giving people reasons to believe I’m a pathological liar. And I’ve been trying to hide what I’m actually going through under my huge sarcastic personality. When all I really am is just really, really sick. Maybe dying. 

I’ve got tachycardia (not important) and depression (oh fuck it, she’s lying and depression isn’t gonna do Jack squat) and hyperthyroidism (blah, she won’t die of that shit). All diagnosed. My retinas are super weak and I’m at a huge risk of tearing holes in them. Prozac isn’t helping me, either. So please forgive me if all I want to do is live a little. 

I don’t expect you to understand, and I definitely don’t need your pity. This post was meant to be for those readers of mine who seemed genuinely concerned about my MIA status. And a huge shout out to my friends who are psych majors for being so… extra. If only you’d used your degree and applied it to me and helped me get through my issues rather than doing whatever I made you do. All my fault. 

Anyway. So this is what’s been happening with me, and I just needed y’all to know. 


32 thoughts on “I Maybe Actually Dying

  1. well Paul is right, damn it lady you can’t die. you still have a lot of fun stuff you haven’t shared. so shelf that dying thing for now or the next hundred years. coz all your soochness is still needed around here.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sooch….

    Yes, I missed you; this post came the day before I intended to email you to make sure you’re okay… In fact, I’ll do that… In the meantime, except for the hyperthyroidism, (which is treatable, as I’m sure you know, and, hopefully, are doing so), what you describe can be attributed to depression, which can cause all sorts of physical issues…

    I also live alone, & sometimes feel the weight of that solitude, but, when you feel a bit more stable, you’ll appreciate the freedom it gives you, too, I think…. In any case, due to long experience as a psychiatric therapist, I can tell you to hang in there; what you feel today will be different by tonight. Being depressed can often cause us to forget that change is inevitable, & the best way to handle it is to stay aware of it, & ‘go with the flow’…

    Without more details, I can’t offer any other advice, except to keep reaching out. You are loved, for what you are… asking for help from friends or family is NOT a sign of weakness; it is strength, to know help is there when needed…

    Again, I say, you are loved. Keep that in your mind, and this all will work itself out….




  3. People who write and inspire like you live forever, in the hearts of millions. You write, the world reads. You feel pain, the words hit us like a knife. Continue to spread the love! And take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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