Normally when I watch a Guy Ritchie movie, it never fails to disappoint. But I have to say that King Arthur bombed for me. If you’re familiar with Mr. Ritchie’s works you’d know just how much of a genius he is. Take Sherlock Holmes 1. Even The man from U.N.C.L.E. Which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time. 

Back to King Arthur, there’s so much deviation from the original storyline it makes you go dizzy from not being able to see what’s going on. I also had great difficulty actually concentrating on the dialogue because some people in the back seat were annoying as fuck. 

I went to watch the movie with two of my colleagues and needless to say, they were unimpressed too. King Arthur tells the story of how Uther Pendragon is forced to give up his child – in a boat, only to be found by by prostitutes – to be raised in a bordello. Holy. Now, I don’t claim to be a research scholar but wasn’t young Arthur raised by Sir Ector? Also the fact that there happened to be humongous snakes, eagles, rats and what not – brilliant graphics, no doubt – that basically ate up everyone’s screen time. I am not kidding. 

Between Jude Law playing the role of the cold, but oh so devilishly sexy Vortigern with absolutely nothing to offer but some well placed scowls, and David Beckham’s two second cameo, there’s just eagles and more snakes and bits of slow motion Excalibur scenes that leave you with a pounding headache. I remember begging for the movie to end so I could just go home and watch maybe puppies frolicking on my computer screen. 

Also, spoiler alert: ALL women die in the movie. The only woman that makes it to the end is the sorceress Mage who, despite her tiny frame and inability to string two sentences together, holds up quite well. The rest of the movie is just bits of drab cinematography that would have fared well had it been a tad bit more cheerful. If you’re a fan of Aidan Gillen, you’d be delighted to know that his character Goosefat Bill is quite the charmer. I am serious. While we are on the topic of monikers, I still don’t get it why Mr. Ritchie decided to include characters like Rubio and Back Lack. And why he picked Freddie Fox to play Rubio, when he’s been stuck in my head since 2011 as the guy that played King Louis the sixteenth in The Three Musketeers. 

I’d never recommend this movie, and I wish Mr. Ritchie would miss Madonna less. Maybe missing her has gone straight to his head. *sigh*
Good night, folks. Y’all sleep, and I’m going to watch some puppies. 

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4 thoughts on “King Arthur: Painful to Watch 

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