Before y’all judge me because I’m seemingly doing a risqué post involving the big Cherry and about popping it, let me ask you a question:
HOW HARD WAS IT, YOUR FIRST TIME… wearing contact lenses?
Or rather, trying to pop the contact lens into your Goddamn eyeball?
So the first time I tried it, it took me one hour. Which made me think of how similar the whole thing was to sex. Yes, I know I talk about it a TON. An unnecessary ton, yes I know, thanks very much, but hear me out.
For most people, the first time royally sucks. We will get to the literal parts later, maybe in a different blog post. Between not knowing which direction to go in and not knowing what will hurt more, you basically are going in blind. Pretty much like how you would act around your first pair of contact lenses. You hold the case like it were a very new cherry waiting to be popped. Excuse my language: but then I majored in raw humour at the WordPress Youniversity.
While putting in the Goddamn contact you don’t know if it’s inside out. By the time you’ve figured out that it is, the wetness is gone (just like Ms Cherry down there) and you need to douse it in fluid again. Ah, the extra work. Once you have that sorted, you open your eye nice and wide (the pun, the pun, ah, the pun) and try to stick your lens in. While praying to the Lord that you’ve stuck it in the right place. Sound familiar? Thought so.
That’s not where the nightmare ends, however.
Not two seconds after you’ve passionately inserted the damn contact lens into your eye, out it plops and how do you realise that? You’re still blind and the pesky contact is resting somewhere around the bridge of your nose. Or worse, SOMEWHERE. Only you don’t know where because you don’t know where your glasses are and can’t see a damn thing without them unless you’re super close to the mirror.
Once you’ve gone through with all that, and you’ve successfully managed to pop the contact lens Cherry, you realise there’s this new nightmare waiting around the corner called taking the contacts out at the end of the day.
And then comes the biggest nightmare of them all. If you happen to be as blind as I am and your glasses look something like this…
Well congratulations, now you’ve lost your Cherry. And you can now head straight to the ophthalmologist’s office where he gets to use cheesy pick up lines on you. For example: “Can I look at your fundus?” while suggestively stroking the damn ophthalmoscope.
Damn you, damn contact lenses.