I have a confession: I hate my body.
How many of us have this same issue? Midnight pizza/donut/cheesecake cravings, and the inability to shut out the food monsters in our bellies? (I know Paul is one of us for sure.)
Here’s something y’all don’t know about me. I used to be overweight in high school. I was a whopping seventy kilos of just adipose and no muscle and it was um, pathetic. Then I went to college and dropped thirty kilos in less than a year, without diet or exercise – thanks to our mess(y) food which was 90% water – and also gave myself anemia in the process. When I was in my third semester of college, I was mighty proud of my newly acquired slender frame which also oh my goodness, came with a waist! You won’t understand the glory of having a waist after years of being a solid brick wall with zero curves. And I became obsessed with maintaining this weight. A mere forty kilos. I didn’t realize how unhealthy this shit was. I was anemic. I got tired easy. I couldn’t focus. My then boyfriend complained if I was pursuing MBA (malnourished bony ass) why didn’t I just break up with him instead?
And that’s when my love-hate relationship with my body began.
I’d never been so obsessed with gymming. My trainer swore that I was gonna kill myself if I kept at it. I never listened. Eventually I got hit by a motorcycle and well, goodbye gym, for a good year. I don’t know why I never went back. My patella pops like a crazy person when I run so it’s kind of scary.
Moving on. Let’s talk about skinny fat, shall we? I heard my boyfriend tell me that I was skinny fat and I thought he was kidding but turns out, it’s a real thing. It’s basically the fat you see on an unfit skinny person. I mean, people that are skinny fat look great with clothes on. But with clothes off? It’s like boom, bam, boom, cottage cheese under your skin. How frustrating is that!? My struggle with skinny fat is a nightmare. I do cardio. I do crunches. I give myself borderline aneurysms. And the skinny fat problem persists. You’ve to hand it to my fat and I. We are tight. Not literally. Figuratively. Nothing ever breaks us up. If you want a good relationship, learn from my relationship with my cellulite. Boo yah!
I have this app on my phone called HealthifyMe, and I input my calorie intake religiously everyday. And I burn 300 calories like it’s instructed me to (268 to be precise) and this problem persists. At this point I’ve given up. I have belly rolls and is unattractive as eff. I weigh 48 kilos now, and I’m fat. Should I be proud of myself now? I don’t know. I eat my salad, my midnight donut, and my coffee cake and I’m happy. If my man has to deal with cottage cheese in unwanted places, so be it.
I give up.