If I had to summarize what I was feeling right now, it would probably be meh. Yes, that’s actually correct. It’s hard to believe, right? It’s Pujo Season in West Bengal and it’s Halloween soon, and then before we know it, Christmas is going to be upon us but all I feel is… nothing.

I’m getting ancient. There can be no other explanation. Which is crazy to me because my Dad is almost three decades older than I am, and he never feels meh. He’s actually out as we speak, right there with the panditji and everything; getting ready for the big ashtami Pujo. This is such a big deal if you happen to be Bengali, and oh my Lordy, look at me, I’m actually still holed up in my room and the Anjali is about to start and I’m not even moving my butt.

What’s wrong with me?

I’ve been asking myself that over and over and over. I don’t feel anything. Not happiness. Not sorrow. There’s no passion. There’s no nothing. I’m drawing blanks like never before.

I remember being excited about Pujo even last year. I remember going shopping for new clothes. This year? I’ve been wearing my mum’s sarees because I didn’t want to go shopping. I’ve been going out at night, in the car, and avoiding places that needed human interaction. I was never this person before. I think a part of my brains snapped. I think a huge part of me broke, and I don’t even know the reason.

I don’t blog.

It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s not because I’m trying to be cool by going on the hiatus thing that bloggers do. No. It’s just that I get my laptop and stare at the screen and nothing, no words, ever come.

However.

I wanted to come on here and share a few photos that I took from the car because I couldn’t bring myself to get out and admire Durga Maa from a close range because my anxiety is so bad at this point, sometimes I end up having really bad panic attacks. Sometimes I can’t breathe and sometimes I forget to, because the anxiety cripples me. I need to find myself. Again. Find love in doing things I used to love doing. Maybe it’ll happen soon, maybe it’ll never happen ever again, but I am going to start trying again.

So Durga Pujo is a pretty big deal in Bengal. For those of you who happen to be completely unfamiliar with the whole thing,

Durga Puja festival marks the battle of goddess Durga with the shape-shifting, deceptive and powerful buffalo demon Mahishasura, and her emerging victorious. Thus, the festival epitomises the victory of good over evil, but it also is in part a harvest festival that marks the goddess as the motherly power behind all of life and creation. The Durga Puja festival dates coincide with Vijayadashami (Dussehra) observed by other traditions of Hinduism, where the Ram Lila is enacted — the victory of Rama is marked and effigies of demon Ravana are burnt instead.
– from good old Wiki.

People put up lights and make pretty effigies of Maa Durga and there’s an elaborate prayer held. Not to mention, there’s a ton of power and resources being wasted. I don’t mean to be such a Debbie Downer, but it is what it is.

Happy Pujo, everyone.

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9 thoughts on “A Conversation

  1. I love how this post was honest. What I think is the state of nothingness or thoughtlessness is actually a good sign as you don’t need an external stimulus to keep you happy. Festivals, prayers and worship of gods (and goddesses) is just a means to perform good deeds, be kind to others, connect to your inner self and attain peace of mind. There are many who are stuck at this level where they consider superficial worship as the ultimate thing. But it shouldn’t really end there.
    Also, the photos were amazing, especially the one with the idol of the Goddess 🙏

    Liked by 2 people

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