…and then, there’s distance.

There’s a reason I loathe watching romantic comedy movies. It makes me want to grab a whole box of tissues, cry enough buckets to drown a whole town and then some. But I also love, love, love Drew Barrymore. And her cute little smile and all of the movies that she’s done.

Specially Going the Distance.

If you haven’t seen this movie, pause and go watch it. It’s about a thirty-something intern called Erin who falls in love, over the summer, with a guy named Garrett, who manages a band and hates his job. Just briefly, they fall in love over the summer without even planning to. Since she must go back to San Francisco in a span of six weeks of meeting him, they agree on a casual fling. But love doesn’t really work that way, and they end up crazy about each other.

Soon, they’re exclusive and decide to do the long-distance thing. Erin gets offered a job at a newspaper in San Fran, and is not sure of what to do, because she’s been in the same situation before and she followed the guy around. Garrett tries to find a job in San Fran so he can move there and be with her, but there are NO jobs. Over the next few months, distance makes it really hard and they call it quits.

And then some miracle helps them meet halfway and everyone is happy.

The thing is, distance sucks. I can tell you that because I’ve been in the exact same situation, and things get super crazy. You start to doubt yourself. It’s easy to have a romance and everything when you’re in the same city as your partner because you guys KNOW that you can just pop over and see them. With long-distance, there’s no knowing. At all. And boy, that’s so exhausting. Nothing makes you question your self-worth, your existence, and yourself in general, like a long-distance relationship does.

Am I not worth it? Is he cheating? He’s online till 4 AM and he wasn’t talking to me. He doesn’t send flowers, is he not into me anymore? He doesn’t call, has he gotten tired of me? Should I drop my plans of flying to see him on his birthday? That list, that bloody stupid list, is endless.

You know what’s worse? Having an introvert partner on top of that. Long-distance and under-sharing do NOT go hand in hand. Your partner shuts you out and makes you feel like turd and doesn’t even realize because that’s what comes normally and totally naturally to them. You try sending hints and hints fall flat. And when they do get the hint, they try to overcompensate and it doesn’t really feel as good. Nothing feels as good, not until things happen organically. Plans are made, and cancelled. Tickets are made, and cancelled. And eventually, you start pulling away. Emotionally and physically. You don’t visit as often because you’re scared you’ll be troubling them. Doubts and depressing thoughts chase each other around in your head in circles till one fine day you wake up with an aneurysm and go, “FUCK THAT SHIT.”

Eventually, once distance wins, you don’t have the energy left anymore to start over. But you do. You look for love again. Be with the old flame, or you start swiping. All the time going, fuck you, technology. Fuck you, 2018.

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Why Being a Doctor SUCKS At Times

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to hurt anyone, it’s just all in fun and jest, to lighten the mood. If this title offends you, please find another blog post. 

So, we all think doctors are these amazing people who basically play God at times, right? WRONG. I’ve been in the field for quite a while now; long enough to – as the cool kids say – spill the tea. 

AND IT’S NOT FUN.

For starters, you’re nothing unless you’re doing your residency. Me. I’m not doing my residency. I’m the worst apple in the basket and all I do is just cry on the inside. You’re nothing even after you’ve devoted the better part of over half a decade of your life trying to retain some information in your brain so you don’t potentially end up killing people.

I envy people that sit in “corporate offices” and lord it over other people and complain that their jobs suck, all day. Oh, how I feel sorry for you – because you don’t have to rush to attend calls at the drop of a hat, because you have your weekends off, and because nobody calls you to look at a nasty pulsating abscess that needs to be drained. I pity you.

I have this friend who works at one such establishment and is the most inconsiderate person I know. And since I’m a doctor, I can’t complain that she’s being inconsiderate. While you’re looking at patients and your phone keeps going off constantly and you come home at quarter past midnight, drained and dehydrated from the day, only to peek into your phone and realize your friend has Un-friended you because you couldn’t be there for her all day.

When you didn’t even do it on purpose and you were basically with a patient that happened to go into labor right in the middle of her partner’s eye check up, for God’s sake. And you couldn’t leave her alone and had to arrange for transport and everything else and be there till the baby was born. Which is super crazy and has never happened to you before. But then you’ve taken an oath and you only put your patient first. And you come home super empty, and your friend gives you an attitude.

Forget about the times you’ve texted back immediately or called from the loo because she was freaking out. Forget all that.

Because no one understands.

When you’re a simple MBBS graduate in the likes of a country like ours, nobody tells you that you’re also a pariah, a watchdog, a doormat and a punching bag. Nobody tells you that. I wish I could stop taking my oath as seriously.

For the most part, our fraternity is also greatly misunderstood. People think we’re snobs that only hang out with other doctors but that’s not true because well, refer to the earlier example, please. We’re labelled as snobs and that kind of hurts because we aren’t snobby at all. This is why being a doctor is super lame because no matter what you do, you’ll be put on a pedestal and judged.

The thing is, people think that a lot of us aren’t cute. That’s like, missing the mark by a wide margin. So what do we do to make up for the lack of looks? We get an attitude as well. And forget about the pretty ones. You’re pretty, and you’re a doctor, and oh you’ve got an attitude. That’s all the whammies combined. Ouch. And with the whammies come the personal attacks and the physical attacks.

Which prompts us to consider getting bodyguards or even, guns.

I carry pepper spray. I’ve had my share of handsy patients. If you’ve ever had the misfortune of working in any hospital run by our darling Indian government, you’d know what I’m talking about. Patients swarm in like a whole hive of bees. You have no personal space. Forget that, you have no breathing space. And then people sneeze all over you. Puke all over you. And your mask isn’t helping. And you’re still supposed to smile.

Just an example of how bad it gets, guys.

I’ve been puked on. I’ve been sneezed on. A patient once gave me a sharp smack on my hand during my internship because I was trying to draw blood. If this was America, I would have sued. For assault.

But it isn’t America and we don’t have the right and we have to live with it all. Guys, don’t send your kids to med school. Please.

The Rise of The Anti-Vaxxers

Vaccine controversies have been around for almost a century. People that don’t believe in vaccinating their children or don’t believe in being vaccinated themselves, are called the anti-vaxxers. There’s been a sudden spike in the numbers, even more than the numbers last year, according to this article I found.

That’s crazy, right?

2018 has seen a lot of anti-younameit so far. There’s anti-Christ, anti-humanitarian, yada yada yada. And now we have Kat Von D join the bandwagon. She’s a tattoo artist, who injects her own body with chemicals but won’t vaccinate her baby when he’s born, because she’s vegan and refuses to pepper her child’s body with vaccines. Wow. There are hypocrites and then there’s Kat Von D. Why she going in and standing her ground is yet another piece of dumbass information – the Lancet published an article saying vaccines cause autism because of the aluminum that accumulates in your brain.

The doctor that published this also had his license taken away, because the connection between autism and vaccination is completely non-existent. There’s no solid proof because the whole thing is completely dumb to even talk about. You need to be vaccinated, period. Medical sciences have brought us where we are today, with longer lifespan and better lives, because vaccinations make it possible for people to not be prone to a lot of life-threatening diseases. Polio. Measles. Diphtheria. Tetanus.

I posted a comment under a Facebook video of a child getting vaccinated and people went off like crazy. But here is the thing: pathogens don’t seek permission to enter and infect your body. Pathogens don’t seek permission before setting up shop and making you sick. Pathogens just don’t. They won’t. So what’s the point, you know, of saying things like:

“Parents do whatever they want with their children and vaccinate them because children are incapable of giving consent.”

Right. That’s very sensible, yes? Because pathogens definitely ask oh hello, can we please live inside your body? Jesus, this whole thing gets me so mad. It makes me even more so because Kat Von D is super influential, and she says things that people tend to believe in and I’m scared epidemics are going to make a comeback super soon. The beauty community acts like the Roman mob from Julius Caesar every time something like this happens. I’ve gone ahead and boycotted the brand (it makes me very sad, because I did love the KVD liquid eye liners) and I’m not alone – other people are doing it too.

Combined with the rising number of people that believe in the earth being flat, and that vaccines cause autism, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. This is why we are undergoing serious retrogressive metamorphosis and soon, we will go back to the stone ages and the human race is going to die out. Just you wait.

Things I Learned on Vacation

I’ve been away for a good while. Not gonna lie, I missed blogging terribly. I missed being able to sit down and pour my heart out on my freaking keypad and I missed being able to talk to you guys.

To answer your question, no, I’m not dead. Just on a hiatus. And extremely happy that I got to think about a bunch of stuff, because going someplace with no cellphone reception is, like, liberating. This was a learning curve. A whole lot goes down in a week’s time, you know?

Here’s what I learned on my getaway:

1. People stay in your life as per their convenience.

I had this friend. Really, really, really good friend. The 3 AM SOS kind of friend. I go away for a while, bam, I get unfriended – literally. Please note, that this was the person that would text me at ungodly hours and I would always be down for a conversation, no matter how tired I would be. You can tell a lot from the way a person’s text pattern changes and one word answers and weird emojis are a big no no. I asked if she wanted me to stop bothering her – she replied, without missing a beat, “Yes”, no punctuation. Which also goes to show that two women can never stay friends for ever. That ship sailed way back in 500000 BC and it’s a lost cause.

2. It’s good to disconnect.

I had no idea I would feel so good with no cellphone reception. I was happy without having to FaceTime, text or call people to assist them when they needed help with something. And people usually call when they need something, we all know that. It felt really good. I swear.

3. It’s not the place, it’s just how you feel, that actually matters.

You don’t have to go to Bali. Or Peru. Or the Bahamas. You could just take a random road trip or go trekking and feel so much sadness lift if you just let things go. You’ll end up noticing so much. And little things do make the most amazing memories to cherish. Look at this amazing heart shaped stone I found while walking around to go see this waterfall. In the middle of nowhere.

Changi falls, Rishap, North Bengal, India.

4. Fur babies are beautiful.

I was at this hill station called Loleygaon, and the place we stayed at had a few highly trained, pet dogs. Meet Whitey (I’ve to be honest, I hate that name), Bobo and Bailey. I may not be ready to have kids just yet, but fur babies? A million times yes.

5. Food is bae.

You don’t have to constantly be on diet and punish your body. Letting go sometimes, feels really good.

I’ve never had as many dumplings my whole life. And guess what? I didn’t feel guilty at all. I know I’m not a photographer but here’s what I’m talking about. Momo and Thukpa on a cold, rainy day. That’s what I’m talking about.

Does anyone want me to do a travel blog post? About the places I’ve been to this past week? Let me know!

How I Effectively Waste My Holiday

Most people just take vacations instead. They pack their bags, and some sunscreen, and get on a plane. Some of them do road trips. Me? I invest in a lot of ish to keep myself busy. Here’s top ten ways I while away my time.

1. Watch Box Office Flops.

I’m watching Our Brand is Crisis today. While Sandra Bullock looks stunning when blond, ah, the whole story about being a campaign manager for a politician is so BORING, even Bullock’s brilliant acting can’t save it. The movie had a budget of twenty eight million dollars US, BUT made only eight point six million at the box office.

2. Watching The Bachelor reruns.

Not gonna lie. My whole time is spent on the couch, binge watching crap on the telly. And I got fascinated by Nick Viall. That man is more than a decade older than I am and his strive to keep going and find love gives me so much hope, I can’t even.

Which also makes me wonder what’s the point? You fornicate with a million people on TV and pick one in the end, and you break up. Why would you do that to yourself?

Beats me.

3. Guilt tripping myself.

When you’ve got nothing to do, it gives your brain a lot of room to contemplate eating healthy, for example, because that’s when you guilt trip yourself the most into maybe eating a salad five times a week. And soup. And green stuff.

4. Texts. And panic attacks.

I’m going to crack a complete joke and say that this is what a real panic attack looks like. When your man says he’s gonna call and you’re like OMG I AM NOT CUTE AT THIS POINT. So you put on concealer and lipstick and mascara at 12:25 am and get on video call.

5. Drive randomly.

The beauty of the planet lies in the fact that you’re supplied with so much to explore. Where I come from, for example, there’s a huge forest belt. And I bet Nat Geo would go crazy if they were to find out.

6. Overindulge. And then, regret.

I go online and buy crap I don’t even need. For example, a new watch just because it looked fancy. Or a new pair of heels that I’d never wear. And then my bank suspects someone of having stolen my card and it ends up getting blocked. Which makes me regret my whole course of action and I cry and wish I hadn’t bought so much crap. That. I. Didn’t. Need. And now I’m on a no-buy till the end of the century.

7. Stare into space.

Amazing exercise, by the way.

This is literally me.

8. Catch up with my best friend.

Which I actually do everyday: and we talk about stuff that would make Amber Rose feel violated. Heh heh heh.

Shhh.

9. Wear makeup and wash it off.

Because I have an Instagram account to take care of. No one really cares, but I love to think that they do.

I’m a pseudo-beauty blogger, you see.

10. Try to actually blog.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’ve been feeling so lackluster lately. Like, I feel like I need a vacation alone and to really reconnect with myself. Maybe then I’ll get some stuff to actually talk about. Such mechanical lives we all lead. Sigh.

Maybe then I wouldn’t be googling stuff like…

Anybody else on a break? Who am I kidding, I’m constantly on break. Ahahahahha.

“Good Morning Texts” – How Pivotal Are They?

Disclaimer: It’s kind of sad that I have to put out a disclaimer before I start ranting about this um, very sensitive, topic, but this post isn’t meant to hurt people. Or to bash anyone. Now, with that being said…

I was on Quora the other day, and chanced upon this question:

Is it superficial of me to expect good morning texts from my boyfriend?

And this instantly caught my attention, so I looked through the thread. While some people seemed to think it was childish and the person who asked the question seemed to be clingy, dramatic and yes, was expecting way too much, this one answer with a ton of upvotes stood out to me. This person said:

I’m reading all the answers and I can not believe what I read. It feels like everyone is saying, that expecting a good morning message from your partner is a bullshit.

No wonder this world is so ……up. I mean what are your priorities people? It is not about the “text”. It is about the “thought”. How you keeping the spark and romance in your relationships?

There should be always that one second, for that sweet thought of your partner. Even just to check up if they actually alive. Because guess what? Waking up in morning is not given. Same as is not given you will survive your day. So make time for people you love, and even if its stupid good morning message, make the effort. Make effort to be creative and romance each other and give each other love in every way possible. Because that what’s really matters in this world. If you can not find time for someone else then yourself then just don’t have relationships. If you can not do something out of your box to make your partner happy then don’t have relationship either. That’s why there are so many miserable ones.

So no it is not superficial from you. Explain to him,that it makes you happy and it is something you need. If he really truly cares about you he will make more effort. If not, you are not compatible.

And I agree, 💯.

I went on google to do some more digging of course, and a million images popped up. All saying – surprise, surprise – the exact same thing. That it’s not the text, but the thoughts, it’s about priorities, and that waking up everyday is certainly not a given.

I’ve also noticed a pattern. Men say that women become clingy, nagging and demand far too much. Let’s talk examples, shall we? I know this person who would get Good Morning texts every single day, without fail, at the initial phase of their relationship, with her boyfriend of six months. And she was so happy, she thought he was the one – because no matter how busy he was, he would wake up in the morning and call and text her and tell her he loved her. Every time, before they hung up. He would call her once he got home each night and treat her like every girl deserves to be treated in a relationship. There were no fights back then. And when things changed and this same man wouldn’t bother to say good morning, goodnight, the regular love yous, and when the call frequency dropped from several times a day to just one every week, that’s when the problems started.

This is a real life example, people, and my acquaintance isn’t the only one.

So what happened next? She began to nag. She started to feel insecure. He would say be right back, and never call back (“BRB”) and she would stay up waiting. He would be online, and not text her, and it prompted her to wonder if she wasn’t good enough. So she did the only thing she thought was prudent at this point: she started pulling away. And when two people pull away equally, there’s nothing left to be in a relationship for, right? You’ve GOT to meet halfway. No matter what relationship you’re in, if you want to make it work, you’ve got to meet halfway. You can’t start out all perfect and then suddenly drop the act. I mean, just be 💯 you from the beginning. Don’t make fake promises if you can’t keep them, just to make someone love you, because that ish hurts like a pinch to the ‘tipples’ (something DanIsNOTonFire says).

Some people never know loneliness until they get into a relationship.

Some people never know love until they’ve experienced some form of hate broken relationships bring to the table.

Some people never know pain unless it’s from someone they love.

Which brings me to Good Morning texts. It takes a few seconds to type three words. If you’re a man, in love with someone, and you know you want her for the rest of your life, and you are the kind of person that sends good morning texts now, don’t stop sending them later when your relationship is a few months old. Unless your girl asks you to stop sending them. You’re lucky, you know? Most girls don’t expect a ton, they just need some love. And when men show love and stop showing it suddenly, that’s where all the problems arise. Imagine your life if you were in love with someone like Anfisa from 90 Day Fiancé (a stupid TLC show that YouTube keeps recommending and it’s so scripted, and so pathetic, you’re oddly tempted to watch even though you want to slap people across the face).

And now, GOOD MORNING, Everyone.

My Love Is Different

I never really had a ton of friends growing up. No siblings. No cousins would come over to stay as much, because we were all based in different cities. To say that I didn’t have a happy childhood would be a bit of a lie, because I do remember Barbie dolls in my favorite cousin’s room, I do remember a trip to the hills with this cousin who’s almost my age, and I do remember that funny haircut we all had. And then puberty stuck and things changed.

The older cousins went off to college and eventually, got jobs. The younger ones got busy with school. And I, being that awkward one aged fifteen, got stuck somewhere in the middle. And every girl needs her mother, you know? But the cracks in my relationship with my mother only ever grew wider. At some point, it became unfixable. When you’re fifteen, you have a lot of schoolwork. And when you’re fifteen, overweight by a good thirty kilos, myopic and pimply and retarded-looking, plus a lot of schoolwork, you don’t really have much to do, except study and wallow in self-pity. I wasn’t allowed to watch TV, wasn’t allowed to have internet access and wasn’t allowed to go out. I was schooled and homeschooled when not at my actual school. But no, I don’t expect you to feel sorry. It happens in most brown families.

So anyway, I grew up, craving my mother’s approval and her love. I never got it. It’s been a decade. I don’t have any happy memories. At this point, I’m convinced things won’t ever change. I’ve had nearly three decades of trying to convince my mother to please, love me, but it hasn’t happened, and it’s never going to happen.

When you come from a loveless background, you tend to have lots of love stored in your heart because it doesn’t get reciprocated. Between the fights, the abuse, the struggles, the clawing at each other parts, I was rather happy to leave home when I eventually made it to college. I guess college felt more like home than home ever did. Not one to believe in horoscopes, I eventually came to believe in it when it said I would never get along well with my mother. In fact, I would never get along with her at all. No matter how hard I tried. So I lived through my college days, with all this love in my heart, wasted it on a lot of dates, and never got anywhere.

But then I met someone.

And I realized, that he loved me too. Maybe, just maybe. I’ve craved approval, craved acceptance and craved affection with all my heart, and here he was, all broody eyes and no smiles, and beautiful, and he loved me. At least he said he did. He wanted to get married. And I gave him all my love. I did things that are typically cookie cutter roles laid out for men to play. I compromised. I overlooked the frequency of calls, and texts. Overlooked the fact that he wouldn’t wish me on New Years’ and Valentine’s Day. Overlooked the fact that he thought I was a manipulative, attention-seeking, sly woman. And that he said that to my face. Overlooked the fact that we never really talked about serious things. He made me feel like I was a rebound, and I didn’t let that bother me. He put me on the bottom of his priority list, but I was just happy to be on the list.

You see, my love is different.

You give me one percent, I give you my all. You stay busy and you act rude, I make excuses for you. I convince myself that this is how love works. My love, it’s different. It’s crazy. It’ll consume you, whole, and I know that. If you’re ignoring my texts and making it look like I’m talking to myself, I don’t feel bad. There was a time, when I was very young, when I fantasized about someone putting a ring on my finger. Cushion cut, platinum band, that was me. I’d pray someone would get me flowers every Birthday, every Valentine’s Day. Get me chocolate just because. I had such high expectations. And when none of that happened, but a man finally reciprocated my feelings, I was happy to settle.

Earlier, I would wish someone would treat me like other men treated their girlfriends – I wished to be included, you know. I wished to be loved back, I wished I would get goodnight and good morning texts without having to beg. I wished someone would want to talk to me just because they missed me. I wish, I wished to be someone’s priority. But not anymore. Because my love is different and I’m just happy to be on his radar.

Based on a true story.